Becky and Dan ( not their real names) sat in stony silence. They had arrived at a place of stalemate. Dan felt that Becky had been not parenting in a way he felt comfortable with; too loose and forgiving and he felt the children needed a firmer hand.
I want to be clear here though, the issue is irrelevant. It could be anything that is surfacing that triggers the stalemate. The red herring in my office usually have to do with affairs, money, sex, or division of labor ( who does what when and who is not doing what when).
The point is we had reached an impasse. Break down. Not budging. Each had nothing to say.
As a couples therapist this where things either get interesting or they reach a breaking point (and as conflict surfaces this is where it gets challenging and exciting for us as couples therapists. For those of us in the midst of the stalemate it can be painful, feel sticky and overwhelming).
I have come to look at these places as sacred ground. If we can quiet ourselves and hold onto to our amygdala we can learn from these places and grow.
I thought about how to begin again with Becky and Dan. We were three quarters of the way through the session but we needed safer ground.
“There are parts of our mental landscape that we build”, I began “that have nothing to do with our physical appearance but are as real as the muscles we go to the gym to strengthen and build.”
Appreciation is one of those such ‘muscles’.
By exercising our muscle of appreciation we enhance it. Our ability to see what we like grows. I am a photographer and I resonate to thinking about it as a lens that we put on as we look at the world. As we build this muscle we find more to appreciate. There are things we really savor about life about our partner, our family, our job, our community. Here is the rub though. We don’t always feel like widening the lens. Negative thought grooves are easier.
Who here has not felt like going to gym to work out?
Do it anyway.
I could tell neither Becky or Dan wanted to go here.
We went because they are paying me to help them with their marriage.
In my office we physically move things around so they can get really close to each other (there is actually research that shows that if you get physically close, 12-18 inches apart, and look into your partners eyes it diffuses the defensiveness.) I urged them to get closer.
and we began with appreciation.
At first it comes slowly.
They are willing to do what it takes.
Dan began, “I like the way you got up and made me coffee this morning. That was nice.”
Becky heard Dan and responded with her appreciation.
“I appreciate the way you helped Max with his homework last night.”
The energy began to shift.
We had moved from resentment to appreciation and even though the appreciations were not for huge things there was an air of good will where a moment earlier resentment and provocation were calling the shots.
Make no mistake there was still resentment but we were moving beyond it to a place of repair.
5 Tips for Widening The Appreciative Lens When You Are in a Stalemate:
1. Get quiet.
2. Give Yourselves 30 minutes to let go and be willing to do what it takes.
3. Think of something you do appreciate ( the beginning of the day, beginning of the relationship….shift your focus)
It can be the home movies you run over in your mind about the person you fell in love with. More typically it is the things most recently that may have passed without recognition. Don’t dismiss something because it is too small.
What have you overlooked that you can now take the time to mention? Here are some examples of things I have heard:
I appreciate the way you fold my laundry
I appreciate the way you take care of the kids.
I like the way you listened to what I had to say.
I love that you brought home pizza cause you knew I was tired.
I appreciate you taking scuba lessons for me.
I appreciate the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh.
I appreciate your being here in couples therapy with me.
I appreciate that you have agreed to work on our marriage.
I appreciate the way you dress.
I appreciate the way you budget.
I appreciate your laugh.
I invite clients to keep an appreciation journal and write at least 3 new things a day that either are grateful for or appreciate.
Get the idea?
Think about what drew you to your partner.
4. Look at your relationship not from your perspective or your partner’s perspective but from the space that exists between the two of you.
Grow the space between you so that it is a place of kindness, respect and ‘an anchor to windward’ or safe harbor.
5. Start small and make a practice out of it. Like any muscle it will grow and get stronger.